The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
when revenge coincides with naptime
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense