I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Discuss
Dietest Coke
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…