I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’