I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.