Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah