Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
You Might Also Like
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
thinking about a very short hotdog
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.