We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
You Might Also Like
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
When you’re Kinky but poor
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
also my go-to takeaway order
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers