I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My circle of trust is a meatball
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?