*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.