Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*