I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
You Might Also Like
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A dad and his duck
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.