[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
You Might Also Like
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
This January has 47 Mondays
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014