No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?