I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.