how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.