“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.