Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.