bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.