[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Dolls on drugs
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.