Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Sheer Arrogance”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.