My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Never forget.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
don’t we all
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
lol
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”