<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”