Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
You Might Also Like
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!