[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free