With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Flowers bee like
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*