Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
💁🏻♂️
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Trumpy Cat
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.