me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
At least try to make it slightly believable
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
not for long
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar