I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”