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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.