me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
when u come home smelling like another dog
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.