Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.