You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt