How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”