Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.