a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies