If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Wikigenius
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”