me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
They’re stuck in your pants?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good