Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If you have trouble sleeping, you鈥檙e destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn鈥檛 shaved in three days because of masks*: I鈥檒l talk louder.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 馃槏
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I鈥檓 older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials