Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.