The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack