me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
They’re the worst 😩
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
They got Raph!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”