*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day