Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the