There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.