Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.