Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall