KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes