the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
the clam before the storm
reviewed some movies recently
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required