Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.