me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.